Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners

[Seafood]

Boris Johnson has said that Britain is prepared for Nuclear attacks from Russia.

Boris we weren't even prepared for Snow in fooking winter!!.

[MMT]

 lost two fingers on my right hand and asked the doctor if I would be able to write again.

"Yes, but I wouldn't count on it."

[MMT]

We have the power to change at least one thing per day

please make it your underwear

Edited April 12, 2022 by MMT

[MMT]

I guess "do not touch" is a scary thing to read in Braille.

Edited April 12, 2022 by MMT

[MMT]

The man who invented the Ferris wheel never met the man who invented the merry-go-round.

 

They travelled in different circles.

[Seafood]

A man and a woman can be 'Just friends' with no sex involved
It's called marriage

[MMT]

Apparently, Canada isn't real. It's all maple leaf.

[MMT]

I was offered a job as a noise abatement officer. I turned it down.

[MMT]

The Sultan's wife got into financial dire straits.

 

Sultana Swing.

[MMT]

My wife begged me to stop making police related puns.

 

I said, “Okay, I’ll give it arrest.”

[Seafood]

My interview for the post of Town crier went well, they said if i get the job, they'll give me a bell

[Seafood]

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

[MMT]

I discovered that I lived a previous life as a hillbilly. Must be reintarnation.

[Seafood]

Finally had a right bust up with the missus over how long to leave a tea bag in the cup, to be honest its been brewing for ages

[MMT]

Police are on the lookout for a man going around attacking people with knitting needles. They think that he's following a pattern.

[MMT]

I see Yoko Ono has a daughter who sells Japanese dresses.

 

Kim.

[MMT]

Confusing  sign on a box at the grocery. 

'Squash- do not crush. '

[MMT]

Devil; "Welcome  to hell, this sea of lava is now your home"

Me ;"it's underground,  therefore it's magma."

Devil; "this is why you are here."

[Seafood]

I've had the shits for two weeks now !!!!!!!

Thank god they're back to school next week !!!

[MMT]

When the doctor examined me and said my prostate was fine, I was deeply touched.

[MMT]

Does anyone want my old copies of Chiropractor Monthly? I have got loads of back issues.

[Seafood]

I've come to the conclusion that my memory is like an etch-a-sketch...

I shake my head and forget everything

 

 

[MMT]

My brother is a policeman and I saw him wearing an airline pilot's uniform.

He winked at me and said; "Shhh, I'm in plane clothes."

[MMT]

Everyone on our street wears woolly pullovers that are a size too small. 

 

We're a tight knit community.

[Seafood]

I think I might have used too much fabric softener when washing my underwear,
I haven't had an erection for a week.