Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners

[Seafood]

Just received a summons for flashing.
I hope it doesn't stand up in court!!

[Seafood]

I said to the taxi driver, 'King Arthur's Close'. He said, don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights.

[Seafood]

Well, I've officially entered the, ''Why the feck have I came into this room?'' phase of my life!!..

[MMT]

Bloke I knew was a professional driver for 35 years but he never got paid much so when he retired he didn't have much to chauffeur it.

[Seafood]

I don't like to brag about my wealth obviously...
But yesterday, I had the heating on for an hour!

[Seafood]

When I was a young boy a fat lady on the bus told me to stand up for an old lady, I said “Why don’t you stand up so 2 old ladies can sit down?”

[MMT]

I'm working on the invention of an invisible cloak. It's not quite there yet. You can't see anything under it, but you can still see the cloak.

[MMT]

My mate fills animals with helium, but I don't judge. Whatever floats your goat.

[MMT]

I went fishing using liquorice as bait. I caught all sorts.

[MMT]

A recent study has proven that I shouldn't attach additional rooms to my house.

[MMT]

I struggle understanding Roman numerals but then I get to 159 and it just CLIX.

[Seafood]

Bought some dead houseplants today, just to save time...

 

 

 

 

[Seafood]

My dentist informed me today that I need a crown.
Finally, someone who understands me.

[MMT]

I haven’t sold a single copy of my autobiography. That’s the story of my life.

[MMT]

You know when players throw the ball into the crowd at the end of the game?

 

It's not allowed in tenpin bowling. I know that now.

[MMT]

Anyone know how to get rid of condensation in the kitchen? If so, pop around any time, the kettle's always on.

[MMT]

What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy? Cameron Diaz.

[MMT]

Alligators can live up to 100 years old. Which is why there is a good chance they will see you later.

[Seafood]

I phoned my wife and said I really fancy eating out tonight honey...
When I got home there was a sandwich on the doorstep.....!

[MMT]

As she was leaving the house, my wife called out; "Don't eat that cake in the fridge!" As if I could get in the fridge.

[MMT]

Getting fed up with people complaining about prices. £2 for a coffee, £3 for a slice of cake, £5 for parking. I'm going to stop inviting them around.

[Seafood]

I’ll never forget the first time I slept on a memory foam mattress!!..

[MMT]

Standing on the tube this morning I thought:

 

" these pringles are going to be crushed. "

[MMT]

Did we ever find out what the knights in white, sat in?

[MMT]

Does an apple a day keep the doctor away, or is that one of Granny's myths?