Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners

[MMT]

I signed up for an exercise and diet class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing when attending.

If I had any loose clothing I wouldn't have had to sign up in the first place.

[Seafood]

I used to go out with a girl who liked me to humiliate her
So I got her a Liverpool shirt

[MMT]

A thief broke into my house and stole a calendar, he got 12 months.

[MMT]

Yesterday evening I spent a couple of hours de-frosting the fridge, or "foreplay" as my wife calls it.

[MMT]

My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name. But I called her Bluff.

[Seafood]

Boris Johnson has imposed further sanctions on Russia today, when he blocked Putin on Facebook!!..

[MMT]

My missus keeps moaning at me because I keep singing "Eye of the Tiger".

We're going through a Rocky patch.

[MMT]

I once had a little mouse that I called Elvis.

He's dead now.

He was caught in a trap.

[Seafood]

A stray missile from the Ukraine has landed in Liverpool, causing £200 pounds of Improvements!!..

[MMT]

I said to the wife, "It's my birthday tomorrow so why don't we try something from the Kama Sutra?"

 

"Lovely," she said, "I'll have the Chicken Biryani."

[MMT]

Just failed my driving test. The examiner asked me "What signs would you expect to see down a narrow country lane?" Apparently " Fresh eggs for sale" is the wrong answer.

[MMT]

Remember those days when people used to write in their diaries and got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything on Twitter and complain when people don't " like" them.

[Seafood]

I can tell people who are judgmental just by looking at them.

[Seafood]

Breaking News.. There’s a female ref for the Utd v City match.
Kick off has been put back an hour so she can park her car.

[Seafood]

I just done some finance calculations. I have two options, fill the car with petrol or buy Chelsea FC!!..

[MMT]

I found my wife's G-spot

 

Her sister had it.

[Seafood]

We had our house valued recently and we could get as much as a weeks petrol for it.

[MMT]

 

 

 

Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right, the other one is the husband.

[MMT]

 

 

 

My wife just sent me a text that said " I love you and I think your great"

So, naturally I wrote back " No darling. You're great"

She has been walking around with a big smile on her face and really looking happy.

Should I tell her I was just correcting her grammar?

[Seafood]

Is international women's day over yet?
I'm starving!!.

[Seafood]

Paddy won a GOLD medal at the Olympics. His mother was so proud she went out and had it bronzed.

[Seafood]

So I was just wondering, what was an electric eel called before there was electricity?

[Seafood]

My wife's been struggling to get rid of "Pandemic pounds." Sadly, they're the same several hundred that she's had since the Hong Kong flu of 1968.

[Seafood]

My mother always said never talk to strangers, but it got me sacked at the call centre!

[Seafood]

What do folk prefer emmerdale or coronation street. Or do you have a life