Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners

[Seafood]

Autocorrect can make me say things I didn't Nintendo.

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Last year I felt miserable and depressed, but this year I have managed to turn it around.

Now i'm depressed and miserable

[Seafood]

If you're happy and you know it, it's your
meds!

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Going to scare the sh*t out of pensioners in my street when I go trick or treating tomorrow night...

I'm dressing up as a gas bill!

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After My Wife Died, I couldn’t even look at another Woman for about 13 Years. But now that I am out of Jail. I can honestly say it was worth it.

 

 

[Seafood]

I'm reading a horror story in Braille...

Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it!

[Seafood]

Trying to break up with an optician is hard. Every time I tell her I can’t see her anymore, she just moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”

 

 

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Always walk in a cycle lane to inconvenience cyclists as much as possible. See how they like it.

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Sex before marriage is considered a sin...

And after marriage a miracle!

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I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.

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We were so poor when I was kid, my bath toys used to be dirty dishes and cutlery

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I feel really uncomfortable around short people, what if they bite my knees.

[Seafood]

I feel really uncomfortable around short people, what if they bite my knees

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I was so unpopular at school, my nickname was 'Batteries'

I was never included in anything

[Seafood]

I got the wife a ladder for her birthday!
She went up the wall.

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The other day my friend messaged by saying “bro I have two pieces of bad news for you.” I told him to combine them. He replied with “your girlfriend is cheating on both of us!!"

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R.I.P. My neighbour who told his wife he was just popping out for some sewing thread but spent the full day down the pub. Gone but not for cotton.

 

 

[Seafood]

I walk around like everything is OK,

but deep down inside I just want to put up my Christmas Tree.

 

 

[Seafood]

Be with someone who gives you the same feeling of when you see your food coming at a restaurant.

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Missus wants me to slap her were doing it. She said it will stop her falling asleep.

 

 

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My wife and I have the cutest nicknames for each other. She's my cutey butterfly and I'm her useless sack of shite

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I'm a Celeb' get me out of here!

Just reliving Britsh history-sending the most hated people in the country to camp in Australia

 

 

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Some fella has just knocked on my door !!!

He was 3ft 3 inches tall.

I looked down and said who are you?

He said i am the METRE MAN

[Seafood]

Trini Lopez sang,,,If i had a hammer i,d hammer in the morning I,d hammer in the evening,,

Pity the poor neighbours,,,

 

 

[Seafood]

Christmas can be a sad time as well, we were playing charades and my mates Granddad was up, all of a sudden he collapsed on the floor, did a huge fart and died, I shouted "Gone with the wind?"