Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners

[Seafood]

I've just renamed my wifi network Police Surveillance Van #02

That should keep the bloody neighbours on their toes over the holidays

 

 

[Seafood]

We've got a transvestite joining us for Christmas this year.

He said he can't wait to eat, drink and be Mary!

 

 

[Seafood]

Just woke up to find a spoon in my mouth, a tea bag in my left eye and milk in my right eye. I'm getting sick of being treated like a mug !

[Seafood]

The invisible man and the invisible woman got married.
Sadly, their kids were nothing to look at.

[Seafood]

Lads if you're wondering what to do with your turkey carcass after Christmas. Pop it into your bed and imagine you're David Beckham.

[Seafood]

Unbelievable. Still 10 weeks till Pancake Day and the shops are already selling milk, eggs and flour…

[Seafood]

It’s 364 days till Christmas and the bloke next door has his decorations up

[Seafood]

I would rather have a bottle in front of me , than a frontal lobotomy!

[Seafood]

Spent yesterday afternoon in the zoo treating monkeys with depression…

I'm always there when the chimps are down!

[Seafood]

When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.

 

 

[Seafood]

I was entering a singles bar last night when a bouncer started patting me down.

He said, "Have you got anything on you that you shouldn't have?"

"Yes," I replied. "My wedding ring!"

[Seafood]

When I was at school, the other pupils voted me: "Pupil most likely to end up in a mental institution."

They got that wrong! Turns out I'm actually: " The Only pupil who didn't die in a mysterious unexplained accident."

[Seafood]

I asked the wife what her friend gets from her husband for Christmas. She said, "Elixir." I replied, "After 25 years of marriage and five kids, don't you go getting any ideas."

[Seafood]

If you're thinking about getting one of those pre-paid cremation plans,
Don't go to an English company, they'll lose the ashes.

[Seafood]

What gets me into the holiday spirit? ...Usually, a corkscrew or a bottle opener

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The good news is no matter how much weight I put on over the holidays my flip flops still fit.

[Seafood]

A friend offered me a go on his private ice rink for 50p. I thought "What a cheapskate".

[Seafood]

My 95yr old gran is truly amazing. She still doesn't use glasses...

She drinks straight from the bottle.

[Seafood]

I never have any luck,The Memory Foam Mattress i bought last year
Its got Alzheimer"s

[Seafood]

Was in bed watching the wife slip on her new stiletto heels , “Are you ready for the pain babe” she giggled,.....Then she handed me the receipt.

[Seafood]

Don't bother putting those handcuffs on me, officer; they don't fit.

Me and your wife have already established that.....

[Seafood]

I used to date a woman supervisor with one leg who worked at the brewery. She was in charge of the hops

[Seafood]

I was walking past the church on Sunday morning when the vicar shouted at me, "Love your neighbour." I shouted back, "Me too, cracking pair of tits!"

 

 

[Seafood]

It's almost two months to Pancake Tuesday and the shops are full of milk,flour and eggs !!!!

Ridiculous that

[Seafood]

A one legged man was at an ATM guess what he was doing ??

He was checking his balance..