Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners

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I just let my girlfriend borrow my car, then I reported it stolen. Girls aren't the only ones capable of changing their minds midway through a ride!!

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Did you know that the patron saint of checking if your bread rolls are ready to come out of the oven is St John the Bap Test?

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Top Tip.
Landlords make sure you charge for the extra hour this month!!

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So yesterday my flatmate saw a cockroach in the kitchen.

She sprayed and cleaned the counters, stove, refrigerator and floor in the kitchen.

Tomorrow I'm putting the rubber cockroach in the bathroom.

[Seafood]

A survey shows that 20% of

men kiss their wife goodbye

when they leave the house and

80% kiss their house goodbye

when they leave the wife....

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I just got my own back on my partner while we were out shopping. I dragged her round 10 pubs without getting a drink then we went back to the first one we visited and I ordered a pint!

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Another man stole my girlfriend!
I got the last laugh though. I let him keep her.

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Best way to save money on heating!..
Trade your young wife in for a menopausal one and you will never have to worry about putting the heating on!!

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I am starting an airline specially for bald people.

I'm calling it Receding Airlines!

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I’ve found marriage to be very educational.
For example, I had no idea there was a wrong way to put milk in the fridge.

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I asked my GF when her birthday was and she said March 1st.

I marched around the room and asked her again...

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Reports are coming in that Boy George has been attacked by a reptile on the set of I'm a Celebrity.

They should have got a calmer Chameleon, but apparently, they come and go!

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I was at the bus stop this morning and an elderly lady said to me, "Isn’t it cold today"...?

So I said, "Yes, winter draws on"...

She replied, "Mind your own business young man"...

 

 

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I'm so skint, I've just spent my last pound on a scratch card, then realised I've got nothing to scratch it off with!

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I went to the doctors today with the wife ,he put a tube in her mouth and told her not to talk for 15 minutes ... I tried to buy it off him but he wouldn't sell it.

 

 

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The other day my friend messaged by saying “bro I have two pieces of bad news for you.” I told him to combine them. He replied with “your girlfriend is cheating on both of us!!

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Last night a horse asked me if I was planning on driving home. There might’ve been a police officer on top of it I think!

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I noticed on my TV remote, there was a 'Cinema Surround' button, so I pushed it.
All of a sudden, a voice came from behind me saying, "Move your head you fat twat!

[Seafood]

My wife is so fat that when she got on the scales they said

"I need your weight not your phone number"

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I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died, which was lucky, because he got hit by a bus

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Paddy visited the doctor who examined him and told him that his sugar was too high.

So when Paddy returned home, he told his wife and moved it to a lower shelf in the kitchen.

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Top Tip...
Don’t bother with different scented candles…they all smell like burning nostril hair!!

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Quite surprised that my wife failed her driving test.

She updated her status twice to say it was all going well.

 

 

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My blonde girlfriend wants some work done to her face and boobs for Christmas.

I said I'd pay for the best plastic surgeon. She told me to sod off and get a real one.....

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My girlfriend was devastated when she found out the reason why my nickname is “The Love Machine”.

It’s because I’m terrible at tennis.