Seafood Posted September 5, 2022 Share #401 Posted September 5, 2022 You're not fat.. Come on.. Chin up.... no,the other one Link to comment
Seafood Posted September 6, 2022 Share #402 Posted September 6, 2022 I spent my whole life being proud of my English heritage, until I found out that my great grandfather was actually from Transylvania. Now I can’t even look at myself in the mirror! Link to comment
Seafood Posted September 8, 2022 Share #403 Posted September 8, 2022 I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label................ 1 Link to comment
Seafood Posted September 9, 2022 Share #404 Posted September 9, 2022 We used to leave the lights on to deter burglars. Now, it attracts them because they think we must be loaded!! Link to comment
Seafood Posted September 11, 2022 Share #405 Posted September 11, 2022 My wife suggested we spice up our marriage with 'doctors and nurses' role play. So I put her on a trolley and ignored her for two days...... 1 Link to comment
Seafood Posted September 13, 2022 Share #407 Posted September 13, 2022 Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson to take on the Queen’s corgis..........and the Corgis win. Link to comment
Seafood Posted September 14, 2022 Share #408 Posted September 14, 2022 I've opened three birthday cards and I'm already $150 up I love being a postman... Link to comment
Seafood Posted September 15, 2022 Share #409 Posted September 15, 2022 I think it's ridiculous that people are letting off fireworks in September, my cat was so scared he ran up the Christmas tree!! Link to comment
Seafood Posted September 17, 2022 Share #410 Posted September 17, 2022 We had the house valued recently and sold it for £10,000 less to get a quick sale. Our old landlord still hasn't found us. 1 Link to comment
Seafood Posted September 18, 2022 Share #411 Posted September 18, 2022 How did the bloke who made the first clock, know what time it was? Link to comment
Seafood Posted September 19, 2022 Share #412 Posted September 19, 2022 My computer thrashed me in a game of chess earlier but was no match for me at kickboxing soon after. Link to comment
Seafood Posted September 20, 2022 Share #413 Posted September 20, 2022 The Royal Mail will now be called Charles III Post Office, or C3PO Link to comment
Seafood Posted September 21, 2022 Share #414 Posted September 21, 2022 Great loyal birds are seagulls, they always turn up when the chips are down. Link to comment
Seafood Posted September 22, 2022 Share #415 Posted September 22, 2022 Even though I no longer need to, I still insist on wearing a covid mask to work. If I didn't, my customers would be able to smell the booze on my breath. Link to comment
Seafood Posted September 23, 2022 Share #416 Posted September 23, 2022 To the gentleman that left his £20,000 Diamond studded Gold Rolex in the Casino last night The time is now 10am.. Link to comment
Seafood Posted September 24, 2022 Share #417 Posted September 24, 2022 The steak in the restaurant tonight, was like eating rubber Mind you, he was a Michelin style chef Link to comment
Seafood Posted September 25, 2022 Share #418 Posted September 25, 2022 The doctor told me that I have low blood pressure... He's given me a prescription for 2 IKEA self assembly wardrobes! Link to comment
Seafood Posted September 26, 2022 Share #419 Posted September 26, 2022 I was on the phone to the Mrs earlier, ''I'm near home love, put the kettle on?'' After a 10 second pause, I said, ''Hello, you still there?''....''Yeah,'' she replied, ''I don't think the kettle wants to talk right now! Link to comment
Seafood Posted September 27, 2022 Share #420 Posted September 27, 2022 I drank so much vodka last night that i woke up this morning with a Russian accent... Link to comment
Seafood Posted September 28, 2022 Share #421 Posted September 28, 2022 Before we get to Movember, if anyone wants to sponsor me to eat triangular Swiss chocolate next month, I’m doing Octoblerone! Link to comment
Seafood Posted September 29, 2022 Share #422 Posted September 29, 2022 I was wondering why the image in my rearview mirror was larger than usual. Then it hit me! Link to comment
Seafood Posted September 30, 2022 Share #423 Posted September 30, 2022 In today's Independent: Americans want to know why British homes have 'tiny' doors. It's called eating sensibly. Link to comment
Seafood Posted October 1, 2022 Share #424 Posted October 1, 2022 So excited! My loan got approved! Next week, I will be the proud owner of a full tank of petrol! Link to comment
Seafood Posted October 2, 2022 Share #425 Posted October 2, 2022 Last night I was dreaming of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach. At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning. Link to comment
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