Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners

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I'm so glad it's not snowing!.
Imagine shovelling snow in this heat!

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My wife said, "Did you eat my chocolate eclair in the fridge?"

I said, "No, I ate it in the living room."

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Phoned my boss and asked him if I could work from home.
Don't be silly mate, you're a bus driver!!"

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When the painter who had worn a jacket felt the cold, he added another coat.

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From 6 o'clock last night till 6 this morning the old lady next door played the same Lionel Richie song over and over i wouldn't mind but it was All night long.

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Bought a slow cooker from Amazon 24hr delivery, still not here after 8 weeks!

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SON : "Dad , I've got a part in the school play, I play a man who's been married for 25 years."

DAD : "Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part ."

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I've just dropped my cat in an ice cream maker!..
Who want's a McFluffy?

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Principal : Your child always cause trouble in school...

Me : My child causes trouble at home, do I ever call you?

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I normally have just one beer when I'm bored...
Yesterday I was bored 12 times!!..

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How can you face your problem! If your problem is your face?

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I dislike people that back into parking spots!
Bloody attention seekers!

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Another lovely hot day!..
I'm sweating like the crew on an Alec Baldwin film set!

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I was just on a diabetes information website.
It asked if I would accept cookies.
Is that a trick question?

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I asked my friend when his birthday was. He said ”March 1st”

I stood up and walked round the room and then asked again!!

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I've just put my Rottweiler on a vegan diet.
So far I've fed him 4 of the bastards!

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Watching soaps is so boring..
There's only so long you can look at a bar of imperial leather!

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£10 fine for not showing up for your GP appointment.

To be honest if you even get an appointment it feels like you've won the lottery...

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When there's a knock on the door ,why does the dog always think it's for him?.

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What a rip off, £30 quid to see a Queen tribute and it was 2 hours of an old woman in a crown waving out a car window

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I used to work at at an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.

 

 

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My mate always said "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me". Until he fell into a printing press

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My dyslexic mate always wanted to be a barrister, and now he's finally achieved his dream. He's got a job pouring coffee in Starbucks

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Yorkshire Constabulary have had all of their maps stolen this morning...

A police spokesperson said that they are searching for Leeds...

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I accidentally sprayed WD40 on my neck instead of sun spray. Burnt to a crisp but I can swivel my head like an owl!!