Seafood Posted May 23, 2022 Share #301 Posted May 23, 2022 When i go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors. Link to comment
Seafood Posted May 24, 2022 Share #302 Posted May 24, 2022 Showing signs of Monkeypox? Feel unwell? Ring us NOW!! You may be entitled to chimpensation!! Link to comment
Seafood Posted May 25, 2022 Share #303 Posted May 25, 2022 Welcome to middle age! No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while your still alive!! Link to comment
Seafood Posted May 26, 2022 Share #304 Posted May 26, 2022 I think my local garage is ripping me off, does anyone else think £500 for a Tesla exhaust is a lot? Link to comment
Seafood Posted May 27, 2022 Share #305 Posted May 27, 2022 ''Walkers Crisp Supplies Hit By Computer Glitch'' Apparently the robots were putting a second crisp in each packet!! Link to comment
Seafood Posted May 28, 2022 Share #306 Posted May 28, 2022 "Could the parents of the little girl who fell in the tiger enclosure please come to Lost Property to collect her shoes''. Link to comment
Seafood Posted May 29, 2022 Share #307 Posted May 29, 2022 Wife got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. Link to comment
Seafood Posted May 30, 2022 Share #308 Posted May 30, 2022 Strange new trend in the office. People putting names on food in the communal fridge. Today I had a cheese sandwich named Susan. Link to comment
Seafood Posted May 31, 2022 Share #309 Posted May 31, 2022 Im looking for friends with benefits, and by that, I mean people who have swimming pool, boats or vacation homes. Link to comment
Seafood Posted June 1, 2022 Share #310 Posted June 1, 2022 A man knocked on my door this morning and said, "Could you spare 5 minutes to do an opinion poll?" I replied, "Sorry mate, my opinion isn't in at the moment, she has gone shopping!" Link to comment
Seafood Posted June 3, 2022 Share #312 Posted June 3, 2022 My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything that I forgot to do. Link to comment
Seafood Posted June 4, 2022 Share #313 Posted June 4, 2022 One cigarette each time you have sex was the doctor's prescription That's how I quit smoking Link to comment
Seafood Posted June 5, 2022 Share #314 Posted June 5, 2022 Woke up this morning, looked down and one of my toes was missing, There was a note stuck to my foot that said 'Gone To Market' Link to comment
Seafood Posted June 6, 2022 Share #315 Posted June 6, 2022 People say I'm nuts. Then I realize that it's just me talking to myself. Link to comment
Seafood Posted June 7, 2022 Share #316 Posted June 7, 2022 The 148 MP's voted against the Buffoon. They were the ones who weren't invited to any of his parties!! Link to comment
Seafood Posted June 8, 2022 Share #317 Posted June 8, 2022 Two women were talking about their new milkman. "He's very good looking, punctual and dresses so smartly" said one. "And dresses so quickly too!" said the other. 1 Link to comment
Seafood Posted June 9, 2022 Share #318 Posted June 9, 2022 There's nothing worse than having a Cranberries song stuck in your heeeead, in your heeeead, in your head, in your head,in your hea, hea, hea, head... Link to comment
Seafood Posted June 10, 2022 Share #319 Posted June 10, 2022 I'm done with helping people !! Yesterday I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person. Today, I lost my job as a bus driver...... This world is too cruel for the kind hearted.! Link to comment
Seafood Posted June 11, 2022 Share #320 Posted June 11, 2022 hospitality: is the art of making others feel like they are at home; even though you wish they were !! Link to comment
Seafood Posted June 12, 2022 Share #321 Posted June 12, 2022 Parents today are afraid to slap their kids. Meanwhile I'm here remembering the time my mother factory reset me with a slap. Link to comment
Seafood Posted June 14, 2022 Share #322 Posted June 14, 2022 The earthworm is only there to make sure that the other worms don’t get electrocuted!!.. Link to comment
Seafood Posted June 14, 2022 Share #323 Posted June 14, 2022 I'm no magician but i once turned a back rub into two kids and a mortgage!!.. Link to comment
Seafood Posted June 15, 2022 Share #324 Posted June 15, 2022 My girlfriend turned to me last night and said; “ I love your eyes. I could live in your eyes.” I said; “ well, you’d be at home, there’s a sty in one of them!” Link to comment
Seafood Posted June 16, 2022 Share #325 Posted June 16, 2022 The England football team visited an orphanage in Wolverhampton today. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Ben, age six!!.. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Please sign in to comment
You will be able to leave a comment after signing in
Sign In Now