Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners

[Seafood]

Finally! I made some decent money as a photographer
. . .
I sold my camera

[Seafood]

Not many people believed in my ability.
But after the loss of 14 pounds in 5 weeks I have done it.
Fixed the hole in my pocket.

[Seafood]

My friend asked me "Where I could meet women who scream loudly in bed?"
So I took him to the maternity ward!

[Seafood]

Beware of Valentine scams out there!..
I ordered my wife some jewelry and they sent me a fishing rod!!

[Seafood]

Roses are red, Violets are nice. I’ll buy some tomorrow when they’re half fecking price!

[Seafood]

Today It's been exactly 2 years since my job interview
...
I'm beginning to suspect they chose someone else!

[Seafood]

Men and women were created equal,
. . .
but women continued to improve !

[MMT]

How many times do I have to click "I accept"" cookies" before they send them to me?

[MMT]

Tripped and hit my head on a snare drum.

 

Now I think I have percussion.

 

[Seafood]

Just found a oyster in my back garden..
It must be the clam before the storm!

[Seafood]

Not much on telly tonight so I'm gonna ask the wife if she fancy's a early headache!!..

[MMT]

Why do people say beans beans the magical fruit when beans are vegetables?

 

[MMT]

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

[Seafood]

Just seen a car being driven by a sheep in a swimsuit.
It was a lamb bikini

[MMT]

 I have just seen a dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap

[MMT]

My wife is in the kitchen sorting out her purse ... she has just started screaming and swearing, I think she is going through the change

[Seafood]

Police have confirmed that the man who fell from the roof of a nightclub and died was not a bouncer!!..

[MMT]

I got sacked from Pets at Home when they caught me with my hands in the Trill.

[Seafood]

Convince people you're in Riverdance by gluing your wrist to your waist and trying to flick dog sh*t off your shoe!!..

[MMT]

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only wanted to rough him up a bit.

[Seafood]

When my girlfriend moved away i wrote her letters everyday,
She married the postman

[Seafood]

I hear a Pepsi worker got the sack today.
He tested positive for coke.

[MMT]

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche

[MMT]

A woman standing nude in front of her mirror says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment ...."

 

he replies, 'your eyesight is perfect'.

[MMT]

I know how to build a pyramid. Up to a point.