Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners

[Seafood]

Breaking News...
Global precious metal markets drop by 5% after Queen weighs in Prince Andrew's medals!!..

[Seafood]

Took the kids to the zoo last week......
Going back this week to see how they settled in!!..

[MMT]

This bloke got really upset with me because I didn't know what Armagedon meant, but it's not like it's the end of the world is is?

[Seafood]

As you get older you must stay positive. For example, I fell down the stairs the other day and I thought Wow! that’s the fastest I’ve moved in years!

[Seafood]

Coldplay have announced they'll stop making new music in 2025 Finally, something to look forward to!!

[Seafood]

My mate, got a job in the circus after being out of work for years, as a human cannonball. he was fired on the first day

[MMT]

When I lost three fingers in an accident at work, I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it.

 

He said " Its possible, but I wouldn't count on it"

[MMT]

Why does the letter W start with a D???

[Seafood]

We were that poor when I was a child, my bath toys used to be a couple of dirty dishes and some cutlery!!

[MMT]

I suffer from amnesia and that other thing where you cannot remember

[Seafood]

More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a Winner!!..

[Seafood]

I was mocking my wife in some recent photos and she exclaimed, "The camera adds 10 pounds !" "What, did you eat it ?"

 

 

[MMT]

Last night I ended up in this awful pub called The Fiddle

It really was a vile inn

[Seafood]

I went to a wife swapping party last night.
It was great. I got a lawnmower and a case of beer for mine!!..

[MMT]

You can distinguish a crocodile from an alligator by paying attention to whether the animal sees you in a while or later

[MMT]

If mediums can communicate with the dead, think what a large could do.

[MMT]

Do you know how weird it is being the same age as old people?

[MMT]

My parents used to say: "You'll understand when you get older".

 

I am older and I still don't understand.

[MMT]

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar

 

But it is a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house.

 

The difference is staggering

[MMT]

My wife asked me if she could have some peace & quiet while she cooked dinner

 

I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm

[Seafood]

When she was younger I used to like rubbing sun tan lotion into my wife's pert butt cheeks.

These days it's like basting a turkey!

[Seafood]

You have to be careful dating...

I was involved in a one night stand that went terribly wrong, we've been married six years next week!!..

 

 

[Seafood]

To those who complain about being single on Valentine's Day

. . .

Spare a thought for the poor bastards that aren't!

 

 

[Seafood]

Do you think it's fair that only one company is allowed to make the game Monopoly?

[Seafood]

My wife has stood by me for 35 years..We only have one chair...