Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners

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I was a bit bored sitting in the sun yesterday so thought I'd start an exaggeration club. I already have 2 million members!

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A Buddhist Monk walks up to a hotdog vendor and says "make me one with everything".

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I only joined Liars Anonymous this morning,

They've already made me president.

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I sat and watched someone trying to park a car for half an hour this afternoon. I didn’t see the driver so I'm not going to guess what sex she was.

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I went to see a dentist with a rotten tooth. "You should get that fixed mate," I said, "Doesn't exactly inspire confidence."

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How to tell when a woman is about to say something intelligent.. she starts with..
"A man once told me!!''

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Failed my Driving test today.
Examiner said I was in the wrong gear.
Got another test Monday. Gonna wear my best suit and a tie!

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Claustraphobia,is the fear of closed spaces, for example,

I'm going to the pub and I'm scared it's closed!!.

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My prison warden mate paints portraits of the prisoners.
He's a con artist.

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A bit of advice for married men......
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way!!

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I think I might have a slight drinking problem. My wife asked me to toast the bread, so I raised my glass of Jack daniels and said "Here's to the bread!!"

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Only people with dementia should be given birthday cards. Everyone else knows it's their birthday.

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I'm just saying....I've been a vegetarian for so long that I've started to lean towards the sunlight.

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That awkward moment at a feminist picnic , when they realize , no one has made any sandwiches.

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My wife is coming back from holiday tomorrow.

Does anyone know how to delete the memory from my memory foam mattress?

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One day, long, long ago there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day!

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I had 2 watches stolen from my hotel room while I was on holiday in Spain.

Adios Omegas!!

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My age doesn't bother me.. it's the side effect ..

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I’m happy to say that the wife has had plastic surgery yesterday and it was successful.
I cut her credit cards up!

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My new boss asked if I could perform under pressure.

I said no, but I do a passable Bohemian Rhapsody!

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A successful marriage is solving problems together.
Problems I wouldn't have, if I was single!!..

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Driving down the road and saw my ex.
It's funny how "i'll hit that!"
Changed meaning over the years!!

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One cigarette each time you have sex was the doctor's prescription
That's how I quit smoking

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Fuel prices are so high that I went to the car dealership and test drove 3 cars to run my errands. Follow me for more money saving tips!!.

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I’ve left instructions that there will be no food at my wake. You’re there to cry not fecking eat!!