Koolkat’s Quips - funny One-Liners

[koolkat]

The quick jokes and witty quotes in each post will have a common theme.

But first, let’s clear the backlog from the quotes and one-liners posted in the Chatbox.

From Chatbox Part I

When I die, I'd like the word "HUMBLE" to be written on my statue.

Man addicted to brake fluid claims he can stop any time he wants.

A man has been stealing wheels of police cars.

Police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

Nothing tops a plain pizza.

[koolkat]

From Chatbox Part II

Cross eyed teacher cannot control pupils.

The hardest thing of all is to find a black cat in a dark room, especially if there is no cat.

Toner cartridge: A device to refill laser printers;

invented by the Association of American Dry Cleaners.

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

Nobody is listening till you make a mistake.

 

[Seafood]

According to a
solicitors letter in
my neighbour's wheelie bin,
"I'm a stalker."

[Seafood]

I asked an Irishman in Dublin what time the pub closed. He said "For 2 hours in October"

[Seafood]

All this talk of the deep state has certainly grabbed many folks attention but I think I am going to pass and have a deep steak instead!!

[Seafood]

Got to the bus stop and a asked the pregnant woman already waiting.. "When's it due"? "Next week" she replied. "Think I'll walk, it'll be a lot fucing quicker".

[Seafood]

So Johnny Depp threw an iPhone at Amber Heard? Could be worse. If it was a Nokia 3310, she'd be dead.

[Seafood]

I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.

[Seafood]

Light travels faster than sound, which is the reason that some people appear bright before you hear them speak.

[Seafood]

Always borrow money from a pessimist. They’ll never expect it back.

[Seafood]

I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it.

[Seafood]

The unemployment office want me to see them at 10:00am tomorrow. ...Don't they know i don't get up till 2:00pm.

[Seafood]

After 27 years, Bill Gates has decided to update his hardware!

[Seafood]

Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it.

[Seafood]

I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.

[Seafood]

Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.

[koolkat]

·       Excuses are like butts. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.

[koolkat]

·       “I didn't accept it.  I received it.”  (Richard Allen, on being accused of accepting bribery)

[Seafood]

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

[Seafood]

Refusing to go to the gym is a form of resistance training.

[koolkat]

·       “We really didn’t go bankrupt; we just ran out of money.”

[Seafood]

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

[Seafood]

It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.

[Seafood]

I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.

[Seafood]

I told him to be himself; that was pretty mean, I guess.