Funny & Famous One Liners

[uk666]

Funny & Famous One Liners

Life Don’t talk to me about life - was the expression made famous by Marvin the paranoid android in Douglas Adams’ classic novel, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

Sure, we’ve all shared Marvin’s sentiment occasionally when we experience life’s more challenging moments. 

Life can be absurd at times and it’s difficult on occasions to believe the evidence of our own eyes and ears. Nevertheless, our aim must be to remain positive and to do that we must learn to laugh at life and ourselves.

Don’t take it all too seriously. Just laugh as much as you can and that is the perfect counter-balance to Life’s absurdities.

Start now by laughing at all these one-liners:

1. Life is a terminal disease.
2. Youth is wasted on the young.
3. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
4. Life before toilet paper was not worth living.
5. I remixed a remix and it became normal again.
6. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
7. If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
8. I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
9. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
10. It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
11. Any room is a panic room if you’ve lost your phone in it.
12. Don’t waste water on washing your shirt, use photoshop.
13. If you worry about missing the boat, remember the Titanic!
14. We never really grow up we only learn how to act in public.
15. Being a hypochondriac could save your life one of these days.
16. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
17. I’m really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
18. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
19. Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
20. Just because a road’s well-trodden doesn’t mean it leads anywhere worth going.
21. By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
22. Happiness is waking up, looking at the clock and finding that you still have two hours left to sleep
23. Although life and I are not always in love with each other, we do remain on close speaking terms.
24. As soon as you’re doing what you wanted to be doing, you want to be doing something else.
25. Stealing ideas from one person is plagiarism but stealing ideas from many people is research.
26. The literal meaning of life is whatever you’re doing that prevents you from killing yourself.
27. How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
28. We live in a society, where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
29. You might as well laugh at your problems because everyone else does.
30. God must love stupid people because he made so many of them.
31. Dolphins are so smart they can train people to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish.
32. Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
33. How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
34. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
35. I thought I wanted a career but I realize now that I just wanted a decent income.
36. Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.
37. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
38. Why is it that most nudists are people you wouldn’t want to see naked?
39. Smile, some people will appreciate it others will be irritated by it. Either way you win.
40. The pain you feel today, will be the strength you feel tomorrow.

[bluescope]

My two favourites:

Oscar Levant: "I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin"

Winston Churchill and Bessie Braddock, both members of Parliament:

Bessie: "Winston, you are drunk!"

Winston : "Yes my dear,  but you're ugly, and in the morning I'll be sober and you'll still be ugly!"

 

I love #28, above