Jump to content

The Cynics Word Book


uk666

Recommended Posts

  • Andr-Tech

The Cynic's Word Book

cwb.jpg

For delighting and edifying cynics everywhere:

  • ABSENT - Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilified; hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection of another.
  • AIRPORT - A destination to which we proceed with haste so that we can glance at our watches for the next two and a half hours. When our time comes to voyage into the great beyond, we enter a long tunnel that leads to a circle of light, where a smiling attendant directs us to the first class or the other place.
  • ALLIANCE - In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third.
  • APOLOGIZE - To lay the foundation for a future offence.
  • ASSEMBLY LINE - The notion that if a job is worth doing, it's worth repeating 9,000 times a day.
  • AUGMENTED REALITY - An extraordinary exercise in merging natural human perception with a vast sum of digital knowledge. It will be used primarily to locate the nearest Jamba Juice.
  • AUTHOR - A writer with connections in the publishing industry.
  • AUTOCORRECT - The Second Coming of Jesus, whose miracles include turning “sup” into soup.
  • BABY - A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex, or condition, chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathies and antipathies it excites in others, itself without sentiment or emotion.
  • BOSS - A personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to live in free societies.
  • CAT - A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.
  • CEMETERY - An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies.
  • CHIC - Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence.
  • CHILDHOOD - The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth—two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age.
  • CONNOISSEUR - One who attains an obsessive knowledge of wines, audio equipment, cats, or French cheeses so as to confer a sense of inadequacy on those who would simply enjoy them.
  • CONSERVATIVE - A statesman who is enamoured of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.
  • CONSULTANT - A jobless person who shows executives how to work.
  • CONVERSATION - A fair for the display of minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of this neighbour.
  • CROWDFUNDING - A maximally efficient innovation on the traditional pyramid scheme that leaves just one degree of separation between a charlatan and their victims.
  • CULTURE - The visible evidence of a tribe of bacteria, as observed by microbiologists or cynics.
  • CYNIC - A realist, hardened by a lifetime of emotional bondage.
  • DENIAL - How an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist.
  • DENTURES - Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music.
  • DNA - A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere.
  • DRONE - An exciting new field in applied ethics that seeks to determine how many deaths society will find acceptable in exchange for a cool new way of delivering toiletries by air.
  • EDUCATION - That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
  • ENVELOPE - The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; the husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter.
  • ERUDITE - Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any business or romantic enterprise.
  • EXPERIENCE - In the working world, something you can't get unless you've already got it, in which case you probably don't want any more of it.
  • FACEBOOK - A product invented by a lecherous boy that keeps detailed personal records on more than one billion people; tracks their major life events including, but not limited to: travel, interpersonal relationship status, employment status, and immigration status.
  • FAD - A folly committed by enough of the right people to confer upon it the badge of status.
  • FAITH - Belief in something even in a complete absence of proof.
  • FITNESS - Salvation through perspiration.
  • FUNERAL HOME - A stately manse occupied by transients who continually receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them.
  • GENETIC ENGINEERING - Tampering with chromosomes so that science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo.
  • GOOGLE - The kind of fun, colourful name you stick with to conceal the fact that your mega-corporation has become objectively terrifying.
  • GOURMET - A food fetishist.
  • HANDKERCHIEF - A small square of silk or linen, used in various ignoble offices about the face and especially serviceable at funerals to conceal the lack of tears.
  • HOOKER - A working woman commonly despised by people who sell themselves for even less.
  • HOPE - No matter how impossible your wishes seem, you're stupid enough to keep wishing.
  • HOUSEPLANTS - Vegetable companions; pleasant green pets that rarely bite or throw up on the carpet.
  • IDEOLOGUE - Typically an obscure humourless zealot who finds fulfilment by spouting the ideas of famous humourless zealots.
  • INSTAGRAM - A persistent reminder that people you know can afford more expensive restaurants and better vacations than you.
  • JOB - A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a Monday morning.
  • KICKSTARTER - A contemporary take on the marketplace wherein people exchange money for lies.
  • KILL - To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.
  • KLEPTOMANIAC - A thief with breeding.
  • LABORATORY ANIMALS - Furry foot-soldiers drafted in the name of science. Some die nobly in the battle to eradicate cancer; others give their lives so that we might produce a peach-scented dandruff shampoo.
  • LAWYER - A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason, considered the most suitable background for entry into politics.
  • LOOTING - A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants in the wake of a riot.
  • LOTTERY - The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish.
  • LOVE - Being nice to someone all the time, even when they obviously can't stand you and you can't stand them, both would be much happier, if you weren't together any more.
  • LOYALTY - Sticking around for no reason, except possibly that you're too insecure to leave.
  • MARRIAGE - A household consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.
  • MARTIAL ARTS - A family of Asiatic self-defence disciplines consisting largely of sweeping ornamental gestures of the arms and legs; amusing to look at but disappointingly ineffective when one's opponent is armed with a semi-automatic.
  • MATH ANXIETY - An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph.
  • MIRROR - A truthful reflector shunned by vampires, hypocrites, and aging fashion models.
  • MODERATOR - A human being who has obtained a modest amount of authority in an internet forum. Despite the unexceptional nature of this power, those conferred with it are prone to exhibit the wanton tendencies of mad kings.
  • MUGGER - A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession.
  • NEGOTIATING - The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money.
  • NEUROTIC - Sane but unhappy about it.
  • OBITUARY - A final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for our neighbour’s parakeet.
  • PARASITE - A base creature that extracts a living from the lives of others, like a tapeworm or a biographer.
  • PHOTOSHOP - A picture worth a thousand lies.
  • POSITIVE THINKING - Self-improvement through self-deception.
  • PROFESSIONAL MODEL - Cheekbones that sell cosmetics; hipbones that sell anorexia.
  • QUAGMIRE - Any situation more easily entered than exited from; e.g., a guerrilla war, a bad marriage or a conversation with an insurance salesman.
  • QUALITY OF LIFE - What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress.
  • RACIST - A jealous guardian of shameful artifacts, the racist often fancies himself a historian without realizing history will not be kind to him/her.
  • REDNECK - Popular term for a rustic male, but rarely employed when addressing one in person.
  • RELIGION - A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
  • REPRESSED - Sitting on one's inner demon to keep it decorously immobilized, as practiced by lifelong Presbyterians or anyone who attempts to exchange pleasantries with a tyrannical boss.
  • RESPECT - Sit down, shut up, and treat the other person like a god/goddess no matter how they really act.
  • SHALLOWNESS - The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local TV news broadcasts.
  • SMILE - To expose a portion of one's skeleton as a gesture of goodwill toward a fellow human.
  • STATE OF THE ART – Soon to be obsolete.
  • TABOO - Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes everyone in the group to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity, serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the question "How are you?" in the negative.
  • TELEPHONE - An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
  • TELESCOPE - A device having a relation to the eye like that of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us with a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a bell summoning us to the sacrifice.
  • TRAILER PARKS - Latter-day gypsy camps scattered throughout the vast American hinterland; humble places of abode where hope dies young and tornadoes gravitate like flies to roadkill.
  • UNWED MOTHER - One who helps perpetuate the genes of an unwed father, without the latter's talent for becoming invisible at will.
  • URINAL - The one place where all men are peers.
  • VOTING - The right of our citizens to do as they please behind a curtain, as long as they do it alone.
  • WAKE 1 - A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room.
  • WAKE 2 - What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do, especially those expecting a sizable inheritance.
  • WHITE SUPREMACISTS - The most convincing argument against the theory of white racial superiority.
  • X-CHROMOSOME - A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be colour-blind haemophiliacs.
  • Y-CHROMOSOME - A line of genes designed for men only; the cause of virility, war, baldness, hockey, sex crimes, clever inventions, and a disinclination to ask for directions when lost.
  • YEAR - A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
  • ZOMBIE - A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans and those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms.
  • ZOO - A pleasant and instructive wildlife park, lately denounced for depriving animals of their right to starve or be eaten alive in their natural habitats.
  • Like 1
Link to comment
7 hours ago, uk666 said:

WHITE SUPREMACISTS - The most convincing argument against the theory of white racial superiority.

LOL - right on, bro!

  • Like 1
Link to comment

Please sign in to comment

You will be able to leave a comment after signing in



Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...