Andr-Tech uk666 Posted August 21, 2020 Andr-Tech Share #1 Posted August 21, 2020 The Cynic's Word Book For delighting and edifying cynics everywhere: ABSENT - Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilified; hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection of another. AIRPORT - A destination to which we proceed with haste so that we can glance at our watches for the next two and a half hours. When our time comes to voyage into the great beyond, we enter a long tunnel that leads to a circle of light, where a smiling attendant directs us to the first class or the other place. ALLIANCE - In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third. APOLOGIZE - To lay the foundation for a future offence. ASSEMBLY LINE - The notion that if a job is worth doing, it's worth repeating 9,000 times a day. AUGMENTED REALITY - An extraordinary exercise in merging natural human perception with a vast sum of digital knowledge. It will be used primarily to locate the nearest Jamba Juice. AUTHOR - A writer with connections in the publishing industry. AUTOCORRECT - The Second Coming of Jesus, whose miracles include turning “sup” into soup. BABY - A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex, or condition, chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathies and antipathies it excites in others, itself without sentiment or emotion. BOSS - A personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to live in free societies. CAT - A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle. CEMETERY - An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies. CHIC - Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence. CHILDHOOD - The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth—two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age. CONNOISSEUR - One who attains an obsessive knowledge of wines, audio equipment, cats, or French cheeses so as to confer a sense of inadequacy on those who would simply enjoy them. CONSERVATIVE - A statesman who is enamoured of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others. CONSULTANT - A jobless person who shows executives how to work. CONVERSATION - A fair for the display of minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of this neighbour. CROWDFUNDING - A maximally efficient innovation on the traditional pyramid scheme that leaves just one degree of separation between a charlatan and their victims. CULTURE - The visible evidence of a tribe of bacteria, as observed by microbiologists or cynics. CYNIC - A realist, hardened by a lifetime of emotional bondage. DENIAL - How an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist. DENTURES - Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music. DNA - A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere. DRONE - An exciting new field in applied ethics that seeks to determine how many deaths society will find acceptable in exchange for a cool new way of delivering toiletries by air. EDUCATION - That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding. ENVELOPE - The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; the husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter. ERUDITE - Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any business or romantic enterprise. EXPERIENCE - In the working world, something you can't get unless you've already got it, in which case you probably don't want any more of it. FACEBOOK - A product invented by a lecherous boy that keeps detailed personal records on more than one billion people; tracks their major life events including, but not limited to: travel, interpersonal relationship status, employment status, and immigration status. FAD - A folly committed by enough of the right people to confer upon it the badge of status. FAITH - Belief in something even in a complete absence of proof. FITNESS - Salvation through perspiration. FUNERAL HOME - A stately manse occupied by transients who continually receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them. GENETIC ENGINEERING - Tampering with chromosomes so that science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo. GOOGLE - The kind of fun, colourful name you stick with to conceal the fact that your mega-corporation has become objectively terrifying. GOURMET - A food fetishist. HANDKERCHIEF - A small square of silk or linen, used in various ignoble offices about the face and especially serviceable at funerals to conceal the lack of tears. HOOKER - A working woman commonly despised by people who sell themselves for even less. HOPE - No matter how impossible your wishes seem, you're stupid enough to keep wishing. HOUSEPLANTS - Vegetable companions; pleasant green pets that rarely bite or throw up on the carpet. IDEOLOGUE - Typically an obscure humourless zealot who finds fulfilment by spouting the ideas of famous humourless zealots. INSTAGRAM - A persistent reminder that people you know can afford more expensive restaurants and better vacations than you. JOB - A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a Monday morning. KICKSTARTER - A contemporary take on the marketplace wherein people exchange money for lies. KILL - To create a vacancy without nominating a successor. KLEPTOMANIAC - A thief with breeding. LABORATORY ANIMALS - Furry foot-soldiers drafted in the name of science. Some die nobly in the battle to eradicate cancer; others give their lives so that we might produce a peach-scented dandruff shampoo. LAWYER - A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason, considered the most suitable background for entry into politics. LOOTING - A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants in the wake of a riot. LOTTERY - The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish. LOVE - Being nice to someone all the time, even when they obviously can't stand you and you can't stand them, both would be much happier, if you weren't together any more. LOYALTY - Sticking around for no reason, except possibly that you're too insecure to leave. MARRIAGE - A household consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two. MARTIAL ARTS - A family of Asiatic self-defence disciplines consisting largely of sweeping ornamental gestures of the arms and legs; amusing to look at but disappointingly ineffective when one's opponent is armed with a semi-automatic. MATH ANXIETY - An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph. MIRROR - A truthful reflector shunned by vampires, hypocrites, and aging fashion models. MODERATOR - A human being who has obtained a modest amount of authority in an internet forum. Despite the unexceptional nature of this power, those conferred with it are prone to exhibit the wanton tendencies of mad kings. MUGGER - A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession. NEGOTIATING - The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money. NEUROTIC - Sane but unhappy about it. OBITUARY - A final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for our neighbour’s parakeet. PARASITE - A base creature that extracts a living from the lives of others, like a tapeworm or a biographer. PHOTOSHOP - A picture worth a thousand lies. POSITIVE THINKING - Self-improvement through self-deception. PROFESSIONAL MODEL - Cheekbones that sell cosmetics; hipbones that sell anorexia. QUAGMIRE - Any situation more easily entered than exited from; e.g., a guerrilla war, a bad marriage or a conversation with an insurance salesman. QUALITY OF LIFE - What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress. RACIST - A jealous guardian of shameful artifacts, the racist often fancies himself a historian without realizing history will not be kind to him/her. REDNECK - Popular term for a rustic male, but rarely employed when addressing one in person. RELIGION - A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable. REPRESSED - Sitting on one's inner demon to keep it decorously immobilized, as practiced by lifelong Presbyterians or anyone who attempts to exchange pleasantries with a tyrannical boss. RESPECT - Sit down, shut up, and treat the other person like a god/goddess no matter how they really act. SHALLOWNESS - The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local TV news broadcasts. SMILE - To expose a portion of one's skeleton as a gesture of goodwill toward a fellow human. STATE OF THE ART – Soon to be obsolete. TABOO - Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes everyone in the group to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity, serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the question "How are you?" in the negative. TELEPHONE - An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. TELESCOPE - A device having a relation to the eye like that of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us with a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a bell summoning us to the sacrifice. TRAILER PARKS - Latter-day gypsy camps scattered throughout the vast American hinterland; humble places of abode where hope dies young and tornadoes gravitate like flies to roadkill. UNWED MOTHER - One who helps perpetuate the genes of an unwed father, without the latter's talent for becoming invisible at will. URINAL - The one place where all men are peers. VOTING - The right of our citizens to do as they please behind a curtain, as long as they do it alone. WAKE 1 - A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room. WAKE 2 - What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do, especially those expecting a sizable inheritance. WHITE SUPREMACISTS - The most convincing argument against the theory of white racial superiority. X-CHROMOSOME - A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be colour-blind haemophiliacs. Y-CHROMOSOME - A line of genes designed for men only; the cause of virility, war, baldness, hockey, sex crimes, clever inventions, and a disinclination to ask for directions when lost. YEAR - A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. ZOMBIE - A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans and those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms. ZOO - A pleasant and instructive wildlife park, lately denounced for depriving animals of their right to starve or be eaten alive in their natural habitats. 1 Link to comment
bluescope Posted August 22, 2020 Share #2 Posted August 22, 2020 7 hours ago, uk666 said: WHITE SUPREMACISTS - The most convincing argument against the theory of white racial superiority. LOL - right on, bro! 1 Link to comment
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