Real World Definitions

[uk666]

Real World Definitions

1. Solicitor - A person that makes sure they get what's coming to you.
2. Impotence - Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
3. Conscience - That part of the psyche that dissolves in alcohol.
4. Psychiatrist - A person who tries to figure out whether an infant has more fun in infancy than an adult has in adultery.
5. Hangover - The wrath of grapes.
6. Atheism - A non-prophet organization.
7. Consciousness - That annoying time between naps.
8. Economist - One who tells you what to do with your money after you've spent it.
9. Insane - When you're nuts and it bothers you. (Crazy is when you're nuts and you like it).
10. Recession - A period when you go without things your grandparents never heard of.
11. Researcher - One who pulls habits out of rats
12. Diplomacy - The ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way he looks forward to the trip.
13. Committee - A cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.
14. Stress - The confusion created when one’s mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living crap out of some butthead who desperately needs it.
15. Kleptomaniac - One who can't help himself from helping himself.
16. Reality - A crutch for people who can't face drugs.
17. Paper clip - The larval stage of coat hangers.
18. Committee - A group that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
19. Laziness - Resting before you get tired.
20. Civilization - Going from shoeless toes to toeless shoes.
21. Air bags - Inflation we can live with.
22. Jury - Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
23. Tourist - Someone who goes 3,000 miles to get a picture in front of his/her car.
24. Alarm clock - A device to wake people without small kids.
25. Diplomacy - The art of saying 'Nice doggie!' ... till you can find a rock.
26. Polynesia - Memory loss in parrots.
27. Alibi - Proof that you were in two places at once.
28. Hardware - The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
29. Chickens - The only animals you eat before they are born and after they're dead.
30. Diamond - A chunk of coal that made it under pressure.
31. Hope - Enjoyment of the future in advance.
32. Fairy tales - Horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
33. Conscience - The inner voice that warns us somebody is looking. 
34. Slander - To lie, or tell the truth about someone.
35. Baby-sitter - A teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
36. Diplomat - A man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
37. Auditor - A person sent in after the battle to stab the wounded.
38. Camel - A horse designed by a committee.
39. Hospital - Where they wake you up to give you a sleeping pill.
40. Cynic - Someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
41. Fashion - That which, while not necessarily beautiful, makes all that preceded it look silly.
42. Budget - A method for going broke methodically.
43. Profanity - The linguistic crutch of inarticulate b*stards
44. Committee - The unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
45. Worry - The interest you pay on trouble before it comes.
46. Puritanism - The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
47. Bank manager - A jerk who will lend you an umbrella when the sun is shining, and ask for it back when it starts to rain.
48. Democracy - Three wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper.
49. Tact - The ability to describe others as they see themselves. - Abraham Lincoln
50. Smith & Wesson - The original point and click interface.
51. Expert - A person who knows a great deal about very little and who goes along knowing more and more about less and less, until finally he knows practically everything about nothing.
52. Death - Life's way of saying, you can let go of your ankles now.
53. Idealist - One who upon observing that a rose smell better than a cabbage concludes that it will also make better soup.
54. Taxpayer - Someone who doesn't have to take a public service exam to work for the government.
55. Reference Manual - Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.