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English Language Lesson


uk666

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English Language Lesson

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As e-mail (and blogs and texts and Tweets) continue to erode the written language, perhaps it is time for an English language lesson.

So, with tongue firmly in cheek, here are some rules to keep in mind when using the Queen's English:

  1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
  2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
  3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
  4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
  5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat).
  6. Always avoid annoying alliteration.
  7. Be more or less specific.
  8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
  9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
  10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad too.
  11. Contractions aren't helpful and shouldn't be used.
  12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
  13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
  14. One should never generalize.
  15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
  16. Don't use no double negatives.
  17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
  18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
  19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
  20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
  21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
  22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
  23. Kill all exclamation points!!!!
  24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
  25. Understatement is probably not the best way to propose earth shattering ideas.
  26. Use the apostrophe in its proper place and omit it when it’s not needed.
  27. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
  28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
  29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
  30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
  31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
  32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
  33. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.
  34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
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As a lady who has in her time written a number of well-received works I can say, joyously, that I have broken every one of those rules at one time or another. There is one more rule: 35. It doesn't matter. That's what editors are for!!!

 

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