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Why did Mickey divorce Minnie? Because she was fckg Goofy.

What do you call an elephant with a smartphone? A roaming charge.

Whats the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex?

One will make your day and the other will make your whole week.

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Want to know how to make your wife scream while you're having sex?
Call her up and tell her what you're doing.
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How many corpses does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It must be more than eight, 'cause my spare room's still dark.

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Teacher:"I have a green ball in one hand, a green ball in another, what do I have"
Student:"Kermit the Frog begging for mercy"

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Seafood

Q: Why are PCs like air conditioners?
A: They stop working properly if you open Windows!
 

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Q: What's the difference between a boxer and a woman?
A: A boxer stands up to get knocked down and a woman lies down to get knocked up.

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Japanese Doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it.... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not ma ke you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

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Q: What has made you feel more of a man than anything else?
A: For me it was the introduction of the metric system.

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